So I am sitting around on a rainy Saturday night watching the Discovery Channel ( Alaska Experiment ) wondering what the hell can go wrong next, and , sure as hell the phone rang. My mistake was I answered it instead of just firing up another one ( Sacred Herbal Remedy ). The woman asked if I was Rev. Jake and then I made My next mistake, I said yes. So then She began to explain that her 19 yr old daughter was possessed by Satan ( This is the result of an ad I put on CraigsList under the services offered category as " Demon Hunter ? Exorcist ). So I asked her to explain why she thought this and after listening for about 20 minutes, I told her that it was probably a lower level demon and not Satan because Satan was a little to busy to possess her wanna- be goth/witch daughter. She kept begging so I finally told her I would come over and evaluate the situation.
So I grab a quick shower, throw on some warrior wear and put on My bling and grab My tool kit ( bible, knife, sage, holy water , candles, dehydrated frogs and a bunch of other stuff a good Shaman/Wytch/Vampyre would need to party ). Next I take off in the truck and realize I forgot My smokes so I stop in the first Liquor store I see, besides smokes I also bought a cheap pint of vodka( might not help but it certainly can't hurt ). So now I am pulling out of the parking lot and a bum asks Me for some spare change and I told him if I had any spare damn change I sure the f$$k wouldn't be going out in the rain to perform a freakin exorcism when I could be home watching Hannah Montana. So I am back on My way and I see a 7-1 and think a fruity blue slurpee would go good with the vodka and stop and get one ( also pick up a Ronco cd of 80's dance music and some beef jerkee ). Back one the road so I figure it will take 10 more minutes to get to Casa del Wacko so I have time to smoke one more to adjust My Spiritual alignment ( once again, might not help but it can't hurt ).
So I finally found Mrs. Nutbar's house, which took a while cuase of course it was in the swamp ( I live in Fla. ), headed up the dirt driveway where I pretty sure I saw a gator and parked about 200 ft. form the house ( so I could finish hittin the roach ) thing to Myself, " Should I really take money from this poor misguided woman because she thinks her daughter is possessed when it is probably just a case of a rebellious teen who has too much free time, takes to many drugs and obviously needs a hug and some tough love ( I would later find out that this was a great mis-evaluation of the situation ).
Of course here comes the next mistake of the already downward spiraling night, I got out of the truck and went up to the house and knocked on the door. Well, Lucky for Me, Mrs. Nutbar answered the door and invited Me in ( I went in, the mistakes keep rolling on so I will let You all figure the rest of them out from here on in ). She offered asked Me to sit down, offered Me coffee ( Damn It, left the slurpee in the truck ) and I said " Please " because good Chocolate/ Macadamia Nut light and sweet with free refills is hard to pass up. I think at first she might have been a little unsettled because of the leather shoulder bag I was carrying ( tool kit ) but when she asked Me about it and I pulled out the Bible ( Episcopal King James Version ), she was immediately at ease and started to explain the thing at great length. I will spare You all the 3 hr Hawkeye Mash dialogue and give You the Readers Digest condensed version. This woman's life is hell and she desperately wants some one to fix it and is willing to give some one like Me ( Pagan Jim Baker Will Travel ) money or whatever ( the ad said fee negotiable ) to fix her crumbling existence. So I decide that I will at least try to help her because she is honestly desperate and now I feel some sort of inner voice/conscience taking over and no matter how much I try, I just can't seem to adhere to My " I don't give a damn and this is not My problem policy ".
So My next step is to talk to Naomi :aka: "Ozzy's Death Bunny" so I can see what is really going on. Despite the fact that she was wearing a black nylon fuzzy bunny pj sort of thing ( looked kinda hot to Me, must admit I might have had impure thoughts ), I was kind of freaked out that she was munching on what looked like road kill, which turned out to be road kill ( dead possum ) , the really odd factor was that she was eating it while listening to Barry Manilow. I do like Barry , but I don't believe it is proper dinner music. So I started talking to Fluffy Bunny and realized that she was possessed and needed Satan's disgruntled minion removed from her soul. There where a few other things about her that led to My conclusion but they are many and kinda weird so I will spare the gory yet sexy details ( I mean really, if You had a19 yr old in a nylon bunny pajamas sitting in front of You it would lead to some pretty wild ideas ).
Now I have to go and tell Mom that her Catholic School drop out really might be possessed and really needs an exorcism. What surprised and impressed Me at the same time was that Mom was not freaked out at all and was actually relieved that some one believed her and not loosing her mind after all and wanted to know what was the next course of action to be taken. So I explained to Mom what My interpretation of the situation was and she asked Me if I could help and I said yes( another mistake in case You lost count ). She asked Me what I charged because she read that My fee was negotiable and We worked out a reasonable price ( $20.00 cash, 1 butchered pig from Their farm and a Walmart giftcard with $17.28 left on it ( like I said, Fee Negotiable, and I did need some extra cash flow ). Then I told her I needed to run out to the truck and get a few extra things ( vodka and slurpee ) and then We could take care of the whole nasty situation.
I talked FluffyBunny into having another chat and ice cream with Me and cold cocked her half way through her third scoop of Ben and Jerry's and then proceeded to restrain her ( tied her to her bed with strong yet soft #13 cotton/hemp braided cord ). Now You would think that after this the actual exorcism went well, but, it didn't. It really was going as planned until 5 Catholic Priests ( 2 had Glock 9's, 1 had a wooden stake, 1 had Holy Water and 1 had a McDonald's Happy Meal, from which I stole the Sponge Bob Square Pants toy ) kicked in Mrs. Nutbars front door and started yelling some crap in Latin that no one understands, not even catholics. This kind of interruption is not something I am used to, so the whole Exorcism started to go afoul. Mom started screaming, the Catholic Hitmen started spewing and Little Fluffy Bunny started spitting #8 coffin nails into My left leg. Yet, I was still determined to help. So I finished the Exorcism to the best of My ability ( which is highly under rated ) and all was well in Hogwarts ( not ).
I guess that every thing is o.k. now despite My leg wound and Mom is drinking more that usual , not that that I really know what her previous drinking habits were and what are her limits, things did not turn out as bad as You might think they did.
Now I have 2 Ex-Communicated Alcoholic Catholic Priests that like to watch CSI and BBQ what ever on My grill living with Me, 1(one) highly dysfunctional Labrador Retriever and I think My toaster oven is possessed because every time I make Hot Pockets and blood runs out of the lamp shade in the computer room , so I have come to realize a few things, o.k., maybe only one.
" Life just isn't as bad as You think, no matter how much Your life sucks, some one else's is worse "
Love You All , Rev Jake
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