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Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water, one of two things are going to happen. Either some one is going to hit you in the head with a 2x4 that has a nail sticking out of it or you suddenly remember that you ate a tuna sandwich on white toast with the crust cut off 45 minutes earlier. Or, if you are me, little Cindy's father calls you and explains that little Cindy has been brain washed by Satan worshipers and is living with a coven of Vampyres in Orlando. I told Cindy's father that he was wrong because Vampyers don't have covens, they have clans, Witches have covens and Satanists have cults. Yet do to the sincere sound of his voice in regards to his daughter's well being, I went to talk to him.

After talking to dad I decided he wasn't to bad of a guy, not bright, but good at heart. In his well intentioned yet misguided efforts, he sold the family ostrich farm and used all of his savings to pay Cindy's tuition at " Madame Iamawhore's School of Fine Arts" where she graduated at the top of her class and now has a certificate printed at the local Kinko's stating she is a technician in " Acrylic Nail Restoration Therapy" dad went on to explain that after graduation she found successful employment in an Asian Nail salon at a Flea Market in Tampa. This is where he believes she fell in with the wrong crowd. And after having my own Metaphysical Supply and Distribution Center at a flea market this sounded about right. She began to stay out late, go to raves and started watching reruns of Gilligans Island ( which is one of my favorite shows). None of that seemed to strange until I found out that while she was watching it she was drinking pig's blood and eating liver fluffer-nutters on sour dough rye. ( Not bad but I like them on croissants ).

Now this is where I needed a reasonable plan of action. Knowing the Vampyre community as well as I do in Orlando ( dated 2, been to many of their gatherings and rituals, sold one my autographed copy of Ozzy's biography and a lot of them were members of my old online clan " TheVampireWhitepages"). When dealing with Vampyres I have learned there are 3 kinds.

1) Goths gone bad trying to fit in some where.

2) 2) Vampires who want to have their own society( these are the true crazies who believe their own line of crap and want to rule the mortal world)

3) Real "Vampyres who want to be left alone and don't bother any one and keep to theirselves( my kind)

After making some phone calls, sending some e-mails and just same good old fashioned Appalachian Mind Warp Telepathy I came to the conclusion that it was #3, the mis-lead , douche bag , Vampire Clan from Apopka called " Clan of the Ass Wipe Morons". I have dealt with them before and they are crazy, self serving, seen "Blade one too many times kinda Vampires. These sub-humanoids actually have gatherings where they fill Jacuzzis and water tanks with cow and pigs blood and party like it's 1999. They also take you in, give you a new family, blah blah and turn you into a mindless zombie and then you spend the rest of your time pan handling with a sign that says " Will work for Type-o-negative"

Not that I am skilled in the kidnapping and desensitization therapy that was popular in the 70's and 80's, I decided what the hell and give it a try. Even if it didn't work out I had a back up plan, I could spend a few days relaxing at my favorite theme park ( http://www.holylandexperience.com/ ). And since Dad was paying for the whole trip because this time my fee was not very negotiable ( don't need any more livestock or circus midgets mowing my lawn ), I actually worked out $100.00 a day plus expenses ( gas, lodging and a week end pass to Holyland) and 100 lbs. of high quality ostrich steaks.

Off I go on yet another exciting yet not at all bizarre adventure down the highway to everlasting damnation and eternal misfortune. At least I am getting cash up front this time. After spending the better part of the day driving around a getting some info from my real Vampyre contacts, I found little Cindy (aka "SatansHellKitty")in less than 48 hrs she was not in as much trouble as dad thought ( she lives in a condo, works at Skull Kingdoms Haunted House on International Drive ( got free tickets for the mention ) and drives a Kia Sportage with flame tinted windows and some really ugly spinners. Since I really did not want to deal with Vampires any way, I left Hell Kitty to her own life and spent a few days relaxing at Holy Land ( http://www.holylandexperience.com/ ) ( if you are ever there, check out " Noah's Wild Ark Flume ride ) sipping on a few VirginBloodyMary's and nourishing my soul at the " Sacrificial Lamb " buffet ( $6.66 all-u-can eat during lunch ) and spending countless tokens at the Nun Dunking booth( dunk 3 Nuns in a row and you win eternal salvation or a light up Buddy Jesus doll).

I did make it home and told Cindy's father the good news and collected the rest of my fee. You might think it a little callous and uncaring of me to not bring Cindy home still take the money, but you probably have a real job and I need the money. But you might be interested to know that I am having a cook out soon so the only think left to ask is, " Who wants ostrich steak ? "